My Sanity (Insanity)

I don't know why I do this, but I am a worrier when it comes to relationships. I worry that I say the wrong things or do the wrong things and that my beloved will one day decide that I'm not worth it and decide that he is done trying to make things work. That is my biggest fear- that he'll leave me heartbroken and emotionally crippled. He has never given me enough reason to believe that this is the case, but I still worry. Our relationship is more than great, for the most part. In many ways I believe that growing up in a large, Mormon family, while continually hiding my homosexuality and many times feeling emotionally neglected, fucked me up a little...

I know that a lot of people have a hard childhood and a lot of them somehow overcome their issues and live happy lives and that is what I am trying to do, but I still have my neurosis. Sometimes I wish that my therapist had never moved away. Dr. Grice was great and helped me a lot during a very important transitional period in my life and I will be eternally grateful to him for that, but life is often tainted with problems and I often wish that I had someone trained to help people with their issues that could help me with my issues.

The main reason I got into Psychology was, first and foremost, to "fix" myself! I didn't like a lot of things that I saw in myself (weaknesses, fear, anxiety, neurosis, etc.) and I wanted to become a better person. I still see a lot of those things in myself and I sometimes wonder how I am going to help other people with their issues when I still have a lot of issues myself. How do you help someone overcome fear when you are still afraid that the person that means everything good in the world to you will, for some unknown reason, decide to leave you? How am I supposed to help someone overcome anxiety when I still have anxieties? How am I supposed to help someone overcome their neurosis when I often feel neurotic? I wonder how I am going to help other people when I can't help myself...

I think I would be a lot further along than I am in my own personal development if I would practice what I will eventually preach: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or, basically, "Talk Therapy". I often try to avoid painful, stressful, anxiety-causing thoughts, feelings, and emotions. But, that is exactly what I will be helping people do as a therapist. I think I need to be subjective with myself and try to be as logical and sensible as possible. When I start thinking about an issue I am having, I so often let my mind getting flooded with negative thoughts and emotions. And they are often unsupported negative thoughts and emotions. Like, for instance, when I worry about my boyfriend leaving me someday. Why do I think that? What reasoning do I have to believe that? What examples or signs are there? NONE! He has never given me any reason to believe that he loves me any less than he used to. In fact, all of the evidence points to the opposite- that he loves me more and more as time goes by! I think I might have something here... This CBT stuff really does work... OK, I'll try this out and see how things go. Thanks for listening :)

Being gay

So, I haven't always felt that being gay was a blessing. In fact, for most of my life I felt it was the worst curse I could be given. That was back when I was still confused and still under the influence of the Mormon church to some extent. Since leaving the church and finding true love, I have become more and more aware that God truly loves me, truly knows me- heart, mind and soul, and that he has a plan for me! I do feel that the LDS church has a lot of positive things about it, but I do not believe that it is "God's church", his one and only true church. I no longer believe that the God that the Mormon church teaches about is necessarily the true nature of God. I think that a lot of my happiness is due to my gaining a knowledge of this fact. I don't think that God made us all different so that someone could tell us that he wants us all to be the same and I don't believe that God makes mistakes. I absolutely believe that he made me the way he intended for me to be! That means that God made me gay and didn't do it by accident and that he wants me to be happy with this knowledge! This is my personal belief and it has made me so much happier than following something I never truly believed in and never felt was right. Thanks all!

Been a long time...

So, I haven't written in my blog for a VERY long time... Most of that is due to the fact that my boyfriend is back from his internship back East and the main reason I was writing a blog was to help me deal with his absence.

Now we are living together in our own apartment and it has been so fantastic! I love getting to see him a lot more and having his beautiful face be the last and first thing I see everyday! He makes me feel loved :) I know that he loves me more than anything else in this world and I know that he knows that I feel the same way about him.

Well, I have other things to do today, so I'll be ending this now. I hope to write in here more really soon...

Last Week!

I am SO EXCITED! My boyfriend will be done with his internship this Friday, so I will be flying out New Jersey to get him! All I need to do is endure this last week and then we will be together again! Screw the trip to NYC! I can't wait to see HIM! Yes, being with him in "the city that never sleeps" will be so much fun, but being with him will really be what makes the trip memorable :)

I don't really know what else to write about... Work has been going well, I've been doing things with friends and stuff, might have friends over tonight (I might even tell one of them about my boyfriend and I! Everyone else knows, it's probably time for him to know too), I'm starting to clean up and pack (even though we're not moving until Sept. 4th, but it's really never too early to start...or so HE thinks, hahaha), and I'm just trying not to think about seeing my boyfriend again too much or else I'm afraid that it will consume every thought I have, every breath I take, every beat of my heart!

He'll read this, I'm sure, and I just want him to know how much he does means to me. He is the reason I can live without him for so long! Knowing that he would be back in my arms was the only way I was able to survive without him! And now that reality is quickly approaching and I thank God that He gave both of us the strength to endure being without each other! I love you, baby :')

This past week...

This past week wasn't as exciting or as fruitful as the previous weeks. No reunions with hot, sexy boyfriends. No trips to Philadelphia or DC or Maryland or Virginia. But, I did get my promotion and a raise! That will help out a lot until my boyfriend finds a job. I really am not worried about money while we are living together. It'll be so great getting to wake up to his beautiful face everyday and having his lovely blue eyes the last thing I see at night! It'll be awesome getting to see him so much and be with him so much! I know that we won't get to see each other much more than we were before, but it'll still be so wonderful!
In about 18 days, 17 hours, and 21 minutes I will be holding him again, kissing him again, laughing and/or crying with him again... It will be fabulous! Simply fabulous!

Trip

Sometimes I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway, so why bother writing it, but some other times I think that I really write it more for me and my fiance. That's right, you heard me correctly, I am officially engaged to wed my beloved! I really am so excited about that!

As I had previously mentioned, I was going back East to visit my boyfriend for the 4th of July, which was a total blast by the way, and we had talked about whether or not to just get engaged before. We had decided to get married long ago, so getting engaged was really more of a formality, but I really, really wanted to do it!

Shortly after I got out there I was really anxious to just get it over with and I just kind of brought the rings out and was like, "OK, so, here's your ring," and that was it. While I was out there we took a day trip out to Philadelphia and we got back really late. I wanted to take a shower because we had been walking around all day in the hot sun and I was feeling kind of gross. While we were getting ready to shower I asked if I could see his ring and then got down on one knee and proposed to him. I don't think he suspected it, but I could tell that me doing it proper made him happy.

We won't get married for at least a year and he promised me that it would be no longer than two years, but we are going to be moving in together in September, so waiting to get married won't be so bad...I don't think.

While I was out there we went to VA, PA, MD, DC and I think that's it, but I had a whole lot of fun! The only bad part was that I got blisters on my feet and my legs really, really started hurting from all of that walking! The first day we went to the Holocaust Museum (which was very sad and made you almost sick that people could put such little value on the lives of others), we toured the Capitol (lots of fun and very informative, it was pretty interesting and lots of cool art and architecture), and we went to the National Art Gallery (it's part of the Smithsonian, lots of beautiful art and I was surprised to see works from some of the most famous artist: van Gogh, Monet, Gauguin, Picasso, just to name a few), then we had a nice picnic with friends. It turned out to be a wonderful start to my vacation! Actually, now that I think about it, some of that stuff might have been done on Friday...

Saturday we went to Philadelphia and that was really fun too! I got an authentic cheese steak from Pat's, we took a nap in a park, we went to the US Mint and took a tour (which was kind of boring since it was Saturday and no one was working, so we didn't get to watch any money being made), we went to Liberty Hall too, but they had already given out all of the tickets for the day, so we couldn't go inside... We ended the day by going to an all you can eat ice cream fund-raiser for a local hospital! The idea was that you pay $5 for admission and then you get all of the ice cream you can eat! I don't think I ate too much. And it was a madhouse in there too!

Sunday we went to church with a friend (we were a little bit late), then went to this nice dim sum place in Maryland (it was so yummy!). After that we went to the National Cathedral (which was such a masterpiece of architecture! But, there was some kind of concert going on, so I couldn't take pictures of the inside). We finished the night by going to Arlington, VA to watch the fireworks! It was a great show and it was really cool because you could look down and see a bunch of other fireworks shows going on too (it was a once in a lifetime experience).

The next day my baby and I took a cab to the airport and I had to say good bye again :'( But, this time it is only for about 5 weeks (half as long as I have already been away from his handsome face). I only have to wait 27 more days before I get to wrap my arms around his next and kiss him all over his face and I CAN'T WAIT!!!

so soon I can...taste it?

So, I get to fly out east and see my boyfriend in about a week! I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!! We already have some really fun things planned to do. But, what I am really excited about is getting to hold him again, see him again, kiss him again, talk to him face to face again, touch him again, and, yes, make love to him again! Lately, I have been missing him ALOT! There have been times lately where I wish he were he so he could hold me and make me feel better and make me feel like everything was ok or would be ok.
Today I said something stupid. I was being petty and said that he didn't care about me... I know for a fact that he does care about me, so why would I say that he doesn't? That is a very good question. I don't have a good answer for you. We talked it out and are back on the same picture, but I still feel that I don't deserve him. He is too good for me! Too kind, too loving, too patient, too understanding, too good! He thinks the same about me, so I guess we will have to try to convince the other person of what we see in each other :)