sicky

I have been sick for the past few days and I hate it! Being confined to my room, caged like some kind of animal! The worst part about being sick is that it interfers with plans. Tonight I am supposed to go to a Chinese New Year celebration at BYU, but if I'm still not feeling well I can't go! Plus, if I am still sick I doubt my boyfriend will want to spend the night and get sick. But, it doesn't matter if he wants to or not, if I'm still sick I won't let him because he can't really afford to miss school or work.
And, I never get sick! EVER! So, what the hell happened to me?! I've got that thing going where your nose is all plugged up and you can't breathe and yet you still get boogers dripping out. How the crap does that happen?! My teeth even hurt. This sucks...

Realizations and Self-acceptance

So, I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay. I think women are beautiful, but in a purely aesthetic way- like art (but not to objectify women...). I could never convince myself to do anything sexual with a woman. I have never done anything more than kiss a woman and the last time that happened was several years ago- probably at least a decade and it was just pecking, no tongue or anything like that. I feel like this is a bit of a prologue for the rest of my post. Now on to the real entry...

I have only had one boyfriend since I have "come out". He is handsome, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, patient, forgiving, and so much more! He is everything that I have ever wanted in a lover, friend, husband (oh yeah, it will happen!). Before him I didn't really know for sure that I was gay. Or, I should say, I hadn't accepted it yet. He was my first real kiss, my first love, my first everything meaningful! The first time we kissed I was so nervous and apprehensive; I had to convince myself that I was ready to take that final step and be gay in real-life, not just in my head and I have never looked back or regretted my choice. I would do anything for him, give up anything for him, say anything, be anything that he wanted me to be. He is the reason I'm happy and, sometimes, the reason I'm sad, but he is always the one that holds my heart, always. I would give up life or limb for him and every happy thought I've ever had because I know I will have millions more with him, millions more than I had before he came into my life! If it were up to me I would marry him tomorrow and start our new life together as husbands! He makes me want to be better and he is the reason I am trying to be better. I have started exercising more to try to get into shape so that we can have a long and healthy life together, I have started thinking about having a family because he wants one, which I had sworn I would never do (just ask my family), but my perspective on that has changed because I know that I could raise a family with him and be happy and love them as much as I love him.

My therapist told me that I have an avoidant personality, I avoid things: responsibilities, people (to an extent), difficult things, things that I know will cause me to hurt or have the potential to cause me to be hurt emotionally. My therapist also told me that happiness and sadness are opposite ends on a scale: ultimate sadness and ultimate happiness. And they work such that if you want a happiness level of 9 you have to be willing to risk a sadness level of 1, 8/2, 7/3, etc. Before my boyfriend I was never really willing to take risks, so my happiness wasn't as high as it could have been because that would have meant risking a higher level of sadness, and I wasn't ready, willing or able to do that.

You've probably noticed that I haven't named my lover yet and that is because our current circumstances don't allow that, but some people already know and that makes me happy :-D Many of our friends know and many of them are happy for us. After all, it's not everyday that you find true love, right? I know a few of my friends don't agree with what I'm doing, but they are happy for me. I try to explain to them that me not wanting a lover is just like them not wanting a lover. They say that it's just a temptation that I need to overcome like any other temptation, but I tell them that they are wrong. This is my life, it's my heart, it's my emotions and my thoughts, it's who I am. God made ducks to be ducks! He wouldn't ask a duck to be a fish! So, why would he make me gay and then ask me to be straight? I have lived a lie my entire life and this is the first time I'm being honest- with the whole world and with myself!

Wow, this has gotten long (that's what he said)! I didn't really plan on what I wanted to write about entirely, so I guess that's why it's a bit lengthy, but I have written the truth and now I'm posting it for the world to see. I don't know how many people have subscribed to my blog. I'm assuming no one since I have never had any comments regarding my posts, but it's still here for anyone to read...

Crazy past few months!!!

So, these past few months have been crazy! I don't know how many people have found me on here yet and how many of them spy on me by secretly following my blog, so I can't be too personal on here and share all of my dirty, little secrets. It will suffice to say that I am much, much happier than I have been in the last several decades of my life! I have people, friends, that I know love me and accept me and that would make anyone feel special. I once saw a quote that speaks to me- "It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not." Isn't that so great?! I mean, so simple and honest, yet so complex and deep! It was a French guy that said it though, so... But, I digress. Well, really I can't think of anything else to say, so I guess I'm done actually.

SICK!!!

I hate being sick! I mean, I don't mind the days off of work, but more than that and I get bored. Not to mention the whole "being sick" part... I slept a lot of the day, watched some T.V. made some food (hotdogs for breakfast because it's fast and I was hungry and ramen for lunch because it is pretty fast too and the broth was warm and good). I wrote some emails and goofed around on Facebook a bit too. Talked to a friend on the phone, oh, and did some laundry because I was wearing my last pair of undies and had to resort to wearing an undershirt because I didn't have any real shirts to wear. Now I have to see what I can find for dinner then be up for a while and then take some NyQuil and go to bed. It will be good to get back to work tomorrow. I feel bad because, like, 8 people called in sick today and so they were way under staffed and way busy. Anyway...off to find food. Toodles!

Bored and tired, but not.

OK, so I have been trying to write in my journal more; not necessarily to keep a history of my life and events, but writing down my thoughts (or typing them) helps me focus, reflect, prioritize and assess my life.
You know, sometimes there are things that I miss about CA. I mean, in some ways I still consider it my home, but I actually start to miss UT if I'm gone for more than a few days. I will always have fond memories of CA, but there were also things that made me want to leave it and my family and friends. I didn't associate too much with any of the friends I had before and I think my family saw that I wasn't happy in CA; I was kind of in a rut and my life was stagnant. There are so many friends that I have and love in CA. If you are wondering if I'm talking about you or not just know that if I would spend more than an hour with you of my own free will you are my friend and I love you in some way or another.
Wow, sleep hit me pretty quick! I'm hitting the hay. Hey!

Sad, sad, sad, sad. Why must I be sad?

Why is it that I hardly ever feel in the writing mood when things are going good for me or when I am happy? I only write when I am sad, hurt, mad, angry. There is a continuing joke with one of my friends at work. He once said that I was "abrasive", so now anytime I (or anyone else for that matter) get ornery or mean either he or I make a joke about being "abrasive", then we both have a good laugh. I guess that things aren't really going that bad for me now that I think about it. I just tend to focus on the negative and inoptimal. I don't think that that makes me a bad person. I mean, it might make me less enjoyable to associate with, but that is different. I do try to be happy and most of the time I am- on the outside anyway. But, isn't it better to put on a big show than to draw everyone's attention to you by acting the way you feel? Abraham Lincoln once said, "If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth." I am not that bad, but in moments of deep contemplation I do feel somewhat melancholy. I wish that I could tell people everything about me, but, alas, I cannot. I do not want to be that vulnerable. I think I would be judged left and right and that it would definitely have a negative effect on me. I do know, however, that I could tell my closest friends and loved ones everything about me and they would still love me because the things that I would tell them wouldn't change who I am. I would still be the same Blake I was before I poured my heart out to them and that is somewhat comforting...

recent activites

So, lately my personal life has been a bit...complicated, trying, confusing...hard. I try to be the happy guy and wear a nice smile, but recently it has been a bit of a facade. I have had a few good friends that have helped me out though. I had a friend at work go out of his way and past his responsibilities to let me know that he cares about me and would be there for me. I have another friend that I spoke to last night for about 2 hours who went so far as to try to find online resources to help me out. One other friend (whom I also spoke to last night) gave me some great advice even though we don't really know each other that well. I don't often like to get all religious, but I think that, since God isn't going to come down himself to answer our questions or help us, he puts special people in our lives to act in his behalf. I guess that sometimes I forget that God knows me and loves me and I start to get mad at him, but he eventually comes through for me and then I feel bad. I hope that He realizes that, with our simple, human minds, we don't have the insight and foresight that makes him a god. Either that or I'm definitely going to Hell...