Sunday, January 24, 2010

Realizations and Self-acceptance

So, I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay. I think women are beautiful, but in a purely aesthetic way- like art (but not to objectify women...). I could never convince myself to do anything sexual with a woman. I have never done anything more than kiss a woman and the last time that happened was several years ago- probably at least a decade and it was just pecking, no tongue or anything like that. I feel like this is a bit of a prologue for the rest of my post. Now on to the real entry...

I have only had one boyfriend since I have "come out". He is handsome, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, patient, forgiving, and so much more! He is everything that I have ever wanted in a lover, friend, husband (oh yeah, it will happen!). Before him I didn't really know for sure that I was gay. Or, I should say, I hadn't accepted it yet. He was my first real kiss, my first love, my first everything meaningful! The first time we kissed I was so nervous and apprehensive; I had to convince myself that I was ready to take that final step and be gay in real-life, not just in my head and I have never looked back or regretted my choice. I would do anything for him, give up anything for him, say anything, be anything that he wanted me to be. He is the reason I'm happy and, sometimes, the reason I'm sad, but he is always the one that holds my heart, always. I would give up life or limb for him and every happy thought I've ever had because I know I will have millions more with him, millions more than I had before he came into my life! If it were up to me I would marry him tomorrow and start our new life together as husbands! He makes me want to be better and he is the reason I am trying to be better. I have started exercising more to try to get into shape so that we can have a long and healthy life together, I have started thinking about having a family because he wants one, which I had sworn I would never do (just ask my family), but my perspective on that has changed because I know that I could raise a family with him and be happy and love them as much as I love him.

My therapist told me that I have an avoidant personality, I avoid things: responsibilities, people (to an extent), difficult things, things that I know will cause me to hurt or have the potential to cause me to be hurt emotionally. My therapist also told me that happiness and sadness are opposite ends on a scale: ultimate sadness and ultimate happiness. And they work such that if you want a happiness level of 9 you have to be willing to risk a sadness level of 1, 8/2, 7/3, etc. Before my boyfriend I was never really willing to take risks, so my happiness wasn't as high as it could have been because that would have meant risking a higher level of sadness, and I wasn't ready, willing or able to do that.

You've probably noticed that I haven't named my lover yet and that is because our current circumstances don't allow that, but some people already know and that makes me happy :-D Many of our friends know and many of them are happy for us. After all, it's not everyday that you find true love, right? I know a few of my friends don't agree with what I'm doing, but they are happy for me. I try to explain to them that me not wanting a lover is just like them not wanting a lover. They say that it's just a temptation that I need to overcome like any other temptation, but I tell them that they are wrong. This is my life, it's my heart, it's my emotions and my thoughts, it's who I am. God made ducks to be ducks! He wouldn't ask a duck to be a fish! So, why would he make me gay and then ask me to be straight? I have lived a lie my entire life and this is the first time I'm being honest- with the whole world and with myself!

Wow, this has gotten long (that's what he said)! I didn't really plan on what I wanted to write about entirely, so I guess that's why it's a bit lengthy, but I have written the truth and now I'm posting it for the world to see. I don't know how many people have subscribed to my blog. I'm assuming no one since I have never had any comments regarding my posts, but it's still here for anyone to read...