Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Been a long time...

So, I haven't written in my blog for a VERY long time... Most of that is due to the fact that my boyfriend is back from his internship back East and the main reason I was writing a blog was to help me deal with his absence.

Now we are living together in our own apartment and it has been so fantastic! I love getting to see him a lot more and having his beautiful face be the last and first thing I see everyday! He makes me feel loved :) I know that he loves me more than anything else in this world and I know that he knows that I feel the same way about him.

Well, I have other things to do today, so I'll be ending this now. I hope to write in here more really soon...

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Last Week!

I am SO EXCITED! My boyfriend will be done with his internship this Friday, so I will be flying out New Jersey to get him! All I need to do is endure this last week and then we will be together again! Screw the trip to NYC! I can't wait to see HIM! Yes, being with him in "the city that never sleeps" will be so much fun, but being with him will really be what makes the trip memorable :)

I don't really know what else to write about... Work has been going well, I've been doing things with friends and stuff, might have friends over tonight (I might even tell one of them about my boyfriend and I! Everyone else knows, it's probably time for him to know too), I'm starting to clean up and pack (even though we're not moving until Sept. 4th, but it's really never too early to start...or so HE thinks, hahaha), and I'm just trying not to think about seeing my boyfriend again too much or else I'm afraid that it will consume every thought I have, every breath I take, every beat of my heart!

He'll read this, I'm sure, and I just want him to know how much he does means to me. He is the reason I can live without him for so long! Knowing that he would be back in my arms was the only way I was able to survive without him! And now that reality is quickly approaching and I thank God that He gave both of us the strength to endure being without each other! I love you, baby :')

Monday, July 19, 2010

This past week...

This past week wasn't as exciting or as fruitful as the previous weeks. No reunions with hot, sexy boyfriends. No trips to Philadelphia or DC or Maryland or Virginia. But, I did get my promotion and a raise! That will help out a lot until my boyfriend finds a job. I really am not worried about money while we are living together. It'll be so great getting to wake up to his beautiful face everyday and having his lovely blue eyes the last thing I see at night! It'll be awesome getting to see him so much and be with him so much! I know that we won't get to see each other much more than we were before, but it'll still be so wonderful!
In about 18 days, 17 hours, and 21 minutes I will be holding him again, kissing him again, laughing and/or crying with him again... It will be fabulous! Simply fabulous!

Sunday, July 11, 2010


Sometimes I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway, so why bother writing it, but some other times I think that I really write it more for me and my fiance. That's right, you heard me correctly, I am officially engaged to wed my beloved! I really am so excited about that!

As I had previously mentioned, I was going back East to visit my boyfriend for the 4th of July, which was a total blast by the way, and we had talked about whether or not to just get engaged before. We had decided to get married long ago, so getting engaged was really more of a formality, but I really, really wanted to do it!

Shortly after I got out there I was really anxious to just get it over with and I just kind of brought the rings out and was like, "OK, so, here's your ring," and that was it. While I was out there we took a day trip out to Philadelphia and we got back really late. I wanted to take a shower because we had been walking around all day in the hot sun and I was feeling kind of gross. While we were getting ready to shower I asked if I could see his ring and then got down on one knee and proposed to him. I don't think he suspected it, but I could tell that me doing it proper made him happy.

We won't get married for at least a year and he promised me that it would be no longer than two years, but we are going to be moving in together in September, so waiting to get married won't be so bad...I don't think.

While I was out there we went to VA, PA, MD, DC and I think that's it, but I had a whole lot of fun! The only bad part was that I got blisters on my feet and my legs really, really started hurting from all of that walking! The first day we went to the Holocaust Museum (which was very sad and made you almost sick that people could put such little value on the lives of others), we toured the Capitol (lots of fun and very informative, it was pretty interesting and lots of cool art and architecture), and we went to the National Art Gallery (it's part of the Smithsonian, lots of beautiful art and I was surprised to see works from some of the most famous artist: van Gogh, Monet, Gauguin, Picasso, just to name a few), then we had a nice picnic with friends. It turned out to be a wonderful start to my vacation! Actually, now that I think about it, some of that stuff might have been done on Friday...

Saturday we went to Philadelphia and that was really fun too! I got an authentic cheese steak from Pat's, we took a nap in a park, we went to the US Mint and took a tour (which was kind of boring since it was Saturday and no one was working, so we didn't get to watch any money being made), we went to Liberty Hall too, but they had already given out all of the tickets for the day, so we couldn't go inside... We ended the day by going to an all you can eat ice cream fund-raiser for a local hospital! The idea was that you pay $5 for admission and then you get all of the ice cream you can eat! I don't think I ate too much. And it was a madhouse in there too!

Sunday we went to church with a friend (we were a little bit late), then went to this nice dim sum place in Maryland (it was so yummy!). After that we went to the National Cathedral (which was such a masterpiece of architecture! But, there was some kind of concert going on, so I couldn't take pictures of the inside). We finished the night by going to Arlington, VA to watch the fireworks! It was a great show and it was really cool because you could look down and see a bunch of other fireworks shows going on too (it was a once in a lifetime experience).

The next day my baby and I took a cab to the airport and I had to say good bye again :'( But, this time it is only for about 5 weeks (half as long as I have already been away from his handsome face). I only have to wait 27 more days before I get to wrap my arms around his next and kiss him all over his face and I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

so soon I can...taste it?

So, I get to fly out east and see my boyfriend in about a week! I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!! We already have some really fun things planned to do. But, what I am really excited about is getting to hold him again, see him again, kiss him again, talk to him face to face again, touch him again, and, yes, make love to him again! Lately, I have been missing him ALOT! There have been times lately where I wish he were he so he could hold me and make me feel better and make me feel like everything was ok or would be ok.
Today I said something stupid. I was being petty and said that he didn't care about me... I know for a fact that he does care about me, so why would I say that he doesn't? That is a very good question. I don't have a good answer for you. We talked it out and are back on the same picture, but I still feel that I don't deserve him. He is too good for me! Too kind, too loving, too patient, too understanding, too good! He thinks the same about me, so I guess we will have to try to convince the other person of what we see in each other :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Desperately wanting...

Somehow I got off schedule with my blogging and I haven't be able to get back to it. I really don't care because I don't think anyone reads my blogs except for the person that they are intended for, and I don't even think that he reads them as much as I would like for him to. And he hardly ever leaves comments...that's a hint, honey- just in case you didn't figure that out.

Over the past few days I have been missing my boyfriend a lot more than normal. We talked yesterday for a bit and I started crying, which I haven't done with him for a long time. It has just been so hard for me being away from him and in some ways I hope he knows, but in other ways I hope he doesn't know- he tends to worry about me when he knows I'm sad and missing him or when I'm sad and he can't be with me, both of which are occurring right now. I can't wait until I get to be with him again in a few weeks! But, I still absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE, that our separation is still only half over! I still have to wait until August 7th until I will get to be with him for more than a few days... IT SUCKS! Don't get me wrong, it will be so wonderful to get to see him in a few weeks, but it's only going to be for 4 days and then I have to say good bye to him again for 4 weeks! I truly and whole-heartedly HATE IT!!! I'm getting anxious and impatient and I want him back already!

School is going OK. I'm doing really well in my Interpersonal Relationships class, but not so well in my Learning, Memory and Cognition class. We got our tests back on Saturday and I only got an 84% on my test! Next Saturday my group has to do our presentation and I thought that it was still 2 weeks away! Ahhhh! It's times like these, when I'm stressed and things are tough, that I wish my boyfriend were around...

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Lately I've been more busy than usual and more than I prefer. This last week I had work and homework and a test and going to the airport (twice!) and studying and I still have to study more this weekend for a test tomorrow! I did get a bit of a break though, but I'll get to that.
So, on Monday I took my friend Shane to the airport and I picked him up yesterday, but let me start at the beginning of my day. Friday night I stayed up until about 2am doing homework and studying for my Saturday morning test in my Learning and Cognition class and I think I did pretty well, but I hadn't finished all of my homework that was due. However, my professor told me that if I could finish my homework and email it to him before our regularly scheduled class period was over that he would give me full credit. So, I had to rush home and finish my homework, which I barely sent him on time. After that I finally had my first meal of the day, then it was time to pick up Shane from the airport. After I grabbed him we went back to Camp Williams so he could drop off his stuff, then we went for a walk on the Jordan River trail, which lasted about an hour. I came home, showered, and got ready to go to my friend, Brent's party. That started out kind of awkwardly because I am a very timid/shy guy. I don't readily make friends! It is difficult for me to just walk up to people and start talking to them. Sometimes I will be a bit brave and stand near people until they acknowledge me and kind of unofficially invite me into their conversation, but that is the most I can do without almost having a nervous breakdown...
The latter half of the party I ended up getting into a conversation with a few guys and from then on I really enjoyed myself! Kyle and Nick are pretty cool guys and I enjoyed my conversation with them, a lot. The worst part of the night was that there were a lot of gay couples there and it made me really, really miss my boyfriend! There were guys grabbing and cuddling with their boyfriends and I seriously wished mine had been there too! It would have been nice to just cuddle on a couch or sit on a couch holding hands...
Gay Pride is going one this weekend and I have some friends that are going up today and I'm still thinking about going. I do have to study for a test I have tomorrow, but I think it shouldn't take too long. The main reason I am still thinking about going is because my boyfriend told me he would be busy all day and doesn't know if he'll be able to talk today, so what's the point of me just sitting around the house? I was busy all day yesterday, so we didn't get to talk and he thinks we might not get to talk tonight, so that would make a while since we talked. I do hope we get to talk today. I texted him about an hour ago and he hasn't gotten back to me yet and I have no idea where he's at. And just like magic, he texts me back :) I think I might just go to Pride today. If I go I'll make sure to post another blog about it, assuming it's blogworthy...

Monday, May 31, 2010

Better? Better!

I know that I usually write my blogs on Saturday, but this weekend was a bit more busy than normal. I went hiking with my friend Shane on Saturday and Sunday, I had to take my car in to get fixed (the break lights wouldn't turn off), I had dinner with Jesse on Sunday, I talked to my baby both days too (on Saturday we talked for 4 and a half hours! It was so fantastic! And I think it really was a great experience for both of us and a real turning point in our relationship while he's been away. I think it helped us feel much closer to each other despite our separation), I had lunch with Shane after hiking on Sunday too, and, then today, I had to wake up early to take Shane to the airport (I get to pick him up next Saturday too...). So, as you can see, I had a very busy weekend. Plus, throw in homework and that is even more!
Things are getting better with me and my boyfriend as far as missing each other and being able to deal with it. Really, though, I am the one who has been having the more difficult time dealing with his absence. I just love him and miss him and want to be with him again so much that it is hard to distract myself from thoughts of him! "I see your face in every flower. Your eyes in the stars above. It's just the thought of you, the very thought of you, my love!" I hear a song and it reminds me of him. I see other couples holding hands or laughing together and it makes me wish I was with him. I just truly and absolutely yearn to be with him again! And can you blame me?! He is pretty damn cute! And cuddly and sexy and funny and all of those things that make someone desirable! I do get to see him in about a month though. I'll see him over the 4th of July weekend (I fly in June 30th and fly back out on July 5th), then I will see him again about a month after that, and then we come back to Utah and move into our new love nest the next weekend... Mmmm, sounds dreamy! I cannot wait for this summer to be over with! But, like I said, it is getting easier to be away from him. I still do have my times when I miss him so bad and I cry. However, it is not for as long as it used to be and my crying sessions are much fewer than before. So, for now, I wait and wish and pray for the time to go by quickly and then I will get to be in his warm, loving arms again :) I love you so much, baby!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Not getting any easier...but in ways it is...

So, me and my boyfriend have been having more arguments since he's been gone for the summer. Last week we had two and I think they might have both been about the same thing. The real reason we argue is because I miss him a lot (I mean, I really miss him a lot. Like, if it came down to visiting my family or him, I would definitely pick seeing him)! And I haven't figured out how to handle my aching heart yet, so I get frustrated and mad that he is gone and that I don't get to see him for so long and I am really just acting immature! But, I don't know what else to do! I don't want to be without him! I don't want to miss out on sharing all of the adventures he is having, hearing him laugh, seeing him smile, watching him sleep peacefully, waking up next to him and thinking how lucky I am to have found love and to have my love be someone who means the world to me. I miss all of that. I miss getting to hold him when he's had a bad day and having him hold me when I've had a bad day and just need to be held and comforted. I miss getting to run my fingers through his beautiful hair and kissing his neck. I miss having him give me that look when I've done something that he doesn't approve of. I miss grabbing his butt and tracing my finger along the edge of his lips and around his nose. I just miss everything about him... I miss everything that made me fall in love with him and I miss getting to tell him that I love him and seeing him smile. I miss you, honey, so very much :'(

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Another week...

So, another week has gone by and I am really liking my college classes! But, I am not really liking my work schedule: MW 11am-6pm with no lunch, TTh 7am-6pm with a lunch, and F 11am-5pm with no lunch. This way I can go to school and still work 40 hours a week, however it is not fun. They are not considadit at all! Shoot! (If you get it, you get it. If you don't, well, then you don't. "This is Tracy! I am on Cahuenga! OK?!"). I am learning a lot in my classes, though, and it is good to once again be using my brain for academic purposes. I am still deciding if I want to try to take an online math class (MathPass), but if I do it will probably be after I am done with my Interpersonal Relationships class. I just don't think that I can take on anymore learning while I'm working full-time! But, I have to take math because it is preventing me from taking some of the classes that I need to take for my major. There are still some classes that I can take that don't have any type of mathematical pre-requisite, but they are starting to get scarce, so I really need to hit the math after that class is over.

It has been 3 weeks since my lovely man has been away. 3 long and often sad weeks :'( I will hopefully be able to visit him next month though! Once again, after my Interpersonal Relationships class is over. I asked my Learning, Memory, and Cognition professor today if he would be OK with me missing a day and he is cool with it. I'm hoping to sell my trumpet to pay for my trip and my boyfriend said that later, if I want to get back into it, we can buy another one. As of right now, it just sits in my bedroom, so I am OK with selling it. I put it on KSL and I have already had 16 hits, so that's not so bad for having it online for only 1 day, right?

Besides that things are pretty boring. I go to work, I come home, I go to school, I do homework, I occasionally hang out with friends, but the thing I do most is miss my boyfriend because I do that when I'm doing all of the other things I mentioned, plus I do it when I'm not doing anything else. It is getting easier and having the prospect of visiting him next month helps me miss him less, but I still miss him terribly almost every moment when I'm a wake. I hope I get more used to him being gone soon...I love you, honey! I miss you so much!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Life is getting better...ish.

I noticed that my last blog entry was a week ago and I was thinking that I could handle doing weekly blog updates, so that is what I will plan to do :) My dearest has officially been gone for two weeks now and I think I am doing much better over-all. He has recently been telling me more that he misses me and loves me. Now, I have always known and remembered that me loves me, but a boyfriend likes to hear that he is missed once in a while! Especially, if he has had a hard time missing his most dearest and has let that dear person know that constantly without the same kind of emotional reciprocation...

I'm a little bit needy. I am a bit self-centered. I am a bit inconsiderate too. However, I am also giving, loving, thoughtful, caring. My boyfriend is the greatest gift I have received in this life! Every time I get to see him or talk to him I feel like I just won the lottery! It is important to me that my lover never forget how much he means to me, how much I love him, how much my life would suck without him.

This semester I am taking a class that will help me have a better relationship with him. My Psychology of Interpersonal Relationships class will give me the knowledge that I will need to have better communication with him and learn what skills are important to have a more fulfilling relationship with him! I want to live the rest of my life with him. And I want him to never have any reason to find happiness with anyone else! I want us to be happy together for the remainder of our days on this world. Love does not conquer all! That is a romantic lie! Relationships take work and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to insure our continued love and happiness! You can thank me later, honey :)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Looking Brighter

So, as you well know, my boyfriend is gone for the summer and I have been uber sad about it since the second he left! But, I got to talk to a friend last night and he helped me get some perspective on the situation. He asked if I would bring him home if it was my choice. Wow! I hate when people ask me questions like that! A part of me would want to bring him home, but the bigger part of me (no, not my gut!) would want him to stay out there and get the experience that he will surely get from this adventure! I know that this experience will be good for him and for his future. And, since I am part of his future, it will be good for me too :) Since talking to my friend I have had a much better outlook on this situation of separation. A week has already passed, so he will only be gone for another 14 weeks! Then we will get to spend a nice, little vacation in NYC! See the sights, watch Wicked, museums, architecture, The Big Apple! It will be a fun and joyous reunion!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Love Has Gone Away

It's only been four days since my love has gone away.
And it feels like it has already been forever and a day.
My emotions run strong and I can't keep them at bay!
This heart still aches, but it will become easier I pray.

How can I live happily when my heart is now so empty?
The one who taught me how to love isn't here to love me.
It's like I have lost the best part of my world so suddenly.
I'm left here to survive without the one who makes me happy.

I'd give you anything you wanted if you would just come home.
I don't want to be so sad away from you, but I feel so alone!
And I know it upsets you that tears are something prone
To happen, but I don't have a heart that's made of stone.

Do you hate me when I say hurtful things because I don't see?
Like when I think you don't hurt inside being away from me?
I know I can be selfish and not consider what your feelings may be.
But, I hope you still remember that I will love you, dear, eternally.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

What to do...

So, in a few days the love of my life is going away to Washington D.C. for 3 and a half months and letting him go is turning out to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was telling one friend the other day that I think it's partially because it took me so very long to find love that it's hard to let it go. He is everything good in my life and thinking of being away from him for that long brings tears to my eyes everytime. I don't know what I am going to do without him near me!

OK, it's a few days later and my honey has been gone for over 24 hours (29 hours to be exact) and I have to admit, I am doing better than I thought. I am not constantly crying (just every so often for a few minutes), I am not constantly thinking about him being away (when I do that is usually what starts the crying), and I'm starting to think I can make it through this ordeal without having a nervous/emotional breakdown...

One thing that will help me is to keep busy, so if any of my friends are reading this and feel like giving a friend some support, please feel free to call me and get me doing something! I know that I will have days and times when I just want to be left alone and will need time to think about my Randal every once in a while; I'll need time to cry and mope and have a nice, little pity party, but I will try to limit those times (It's what Randal would want me to do and it would make him happy knowing that I'm not constantly sad over his absence). Anyway, I'm going to end this now and maybe I'll write again next time I feel the need or desire to.

Friday, February 5, 2010


I have been sick for the past few days and I hate it! Being confined to my room, caged like some kind of animal! The worst part about being sick is that it interfers with plans. Tonight I am supposed to go to a Chinese New Year celebration at BYU, but if I'm still not feeling well I can't go! Plus, if I am still sick I doubt my boyfriend will want to spend the night and get sick. But, it doesn't matter if he wants to or not, if I'm still sick I won't let him because he can't really afford to miss school or work.
And, I never get sick! EVER! So, what the hell happened to me?! I've got that thing going where your nose is all plugged up and you can't breathe and yet you still get boogers dripping out. How the crap does that happen?! My teeth even hurt. This sucks...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Realizations and Self-acceptance

So, I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay. I think women are beautiful, but in a purely aesthetic way- like art (but not to objectify women...). I could never convince myself to do anything sexual with a woman. I have never done anything more than kiss a woman and the last time that happened was several years ago- probably at least a decade and it was just pecking, no tongue or anything like that. I feel like this is a bit of a prologue for the rest of my post. Now on to the real entry...

I have only had one boyfriend since I have "come out". He is handsome, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, patient, forgiving, and so much more! He is everything that I have ever wanted in a lover, friend, husband (oh yeah, it will happen!). Before him I didn't really know for sure that I was gay. Or, I should say, I hadn't accepted it yet. He was my first real kiss, my first love, my first everything meaningful! The first time we kissed I was so nervous and apprehensive; I had to convince myself that I was ready to take that final step and be gay in real-life, not just in my head and I have never looked back or regretted my choice. I would do anything for him, give up anything for him, say anything, be anything that he wanted me to be. He is the reason I'm happy and, sometimes, the reason I'm sad, but he is always the one that holds my heart, always. I would give up life or limb for him and every happy thought I've ever had because I know I will have millions more with him, millions more than I had before he came into my life! If it were up to me I would marry him tomorrow and start our new life together as husbands! He makes me want to be better and he is the reason I am trying to be better. I have started exercising more to try to get into shape so that we can have a long and healthy life together, I have started thinking about having a family because he wants one, which I had sworn I would never do (just ask my family), but my perspective on that has changed because I know that I could raise a family with him and be happy and love them as much as I love him.

My therapist told me that I have an avoidant personality, I avoid things: responsibilities, people (to an extent), difficult things, things that I know will cause me to hurt or have the potential to cause me to be hurt emotionally. My therapist also told me that happiness and sadness are opposite ends on a scale: ultimate sadness and ultimate happiness. And they work such that if you want a happiness level of 9 you have to be willing to risk a sadness level of 1, 8/2, 7/3, etc. Before my boyfriend I was never really willing to take risks, so my happiness wasn't as high as it could have been because that would have meant risking a higher level of sadness, and I wasn't ready, willing or able to do that.

You've probably noticed that I haven't named my lover yet and that is because our current circumstances don't allow that, but some people already know and that makes me happy :-D Many of our friends know and many of them are happy for us. After all, it's not everyday that you find true love, right? I know a few of my friends don't agree with what I'm doing, but they are happy for me. I try to explain to them that me not wanting a lover is just like them not wanting a lover. They say that it's just a temptation that I need to overcome like any other temptation, but I tell them that they are wrong. This is my life, it's my heart, it's my emotions and my thoughts, it's who I am. God made ducks to be ducks! He wouldn't ask a duck to be a fish! So, why would he make me gay and then ask me to be straight? I have lived a lie my entire life and this is the first time I'm being honest- with the whole world and with myself!

Wow, this has gotten long (that's what he said)! I didn't really plan on what I wanted to write about entirely, so I guess that's why it's a bit lengthy, but I have written the truth and now I'm posting it for the world to see. I don't know how many people have subscribed to my blog. I'm assuming no one since I have never had any comments regarding my posts, but it's still here for anyone to read...